I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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