i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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