i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
