When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
