I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
