My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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