I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
