Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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