If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
