Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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