This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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