when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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