sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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