The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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