Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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