Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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