so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
