I accidentally had phone sex last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
