his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
