I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
