We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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