One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
