she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
