Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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