shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
