After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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