My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
