nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
