I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
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All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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