Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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