my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
