there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
