I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
