i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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