I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
