Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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