she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
