Dude my mom stole all your condoms
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
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You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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