he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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