I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
