I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said her name was "party"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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