Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
