Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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