he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
