life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
