you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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