I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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