my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
