well I can't set my house on fire every night
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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