shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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