I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize