Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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