Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
