a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
