It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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