You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
