I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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