Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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