Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
