I'm so fucking centered right now
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
