Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
