Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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