How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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